calculations

it is 2:30 am. i can’t sleep.

i (a) drank coffee too late in the evening (i’ve realized lately that if i want to sleep i can’t do this. in the not so distant past, it did not really affect my sleep) and (b) i worked myself up through writing and (c) i cannot stop thinking about sex. and sex with a very specific person. who is very far away. sigh.

until summer 2007, i had (for the most part) always slept on a twin mattress. the habit of such a small sleeping space has stayed with me even though i now have a full sized mattress. i have found that i like to sleep on the right half while the other half is covered in books, clothes, excess blankets, etc.

i also like to dive into my pillow and  eventually cover myself with a sheet. or a princess blanket. i like landing on my stomach.i used to like to sleep on my side. but lately i have enjoyed sleeping on my stomach. since childhood, i have forced myself to lay for a long time on my less comfortable side or in an uncomfortable position. until i couldn’t stand it anymore. then i would shift and the new position would be all the more glorious because i had suffered for it. i still do this. though i find that i like to lie sprawled, disheveled, with little attention to blanket pillow bed tidiness.

i like to sleep naked. but, as anyone who knows me will know, i sleepwalk. a lot of the time this involves putting my clothes back on. why? because there are people in the bed. or in my room. or coming over. visiting. etc. really? well, no, but in my dreamworld they are. i often sleep-talk about there being people in the house that ‘aren’t there’ or about there being a person in the closet. last week, i thought someone was throwing cheese balls at me. i ‘woke’ up and sleep-removed-them-from-my-bed because i don’t like crumbs. when i lived alone in lakewood, ohio, i really think there were ghosts in that apartment. my sleep-walking was constant and intense, and often involved people being in my space. i would bring them blankets in the living room and answer the door to let them in. someday i will share more about what happened there.

when i am sleeping with someone i tend not to sleep-walk. well, this is not entirely true.  i woke up and started yelling at m. one night. i told h. there was a boy in the house. i told g. last week that there was someone in the closet. i’ve sat up and carried on conversations. all in my sleep. but generally it doesn’t happen as much when someone is sleeping beside me.

and wow. i like to do calculations. i just did one about the amount of time i have spent sleeping alone vs. the amount of time sleeping beside someone over the past year and a half. roughly 30% of my nights were spent sleeping next to someone while 70% of my nights were spent alone. love across long distances!

and wow. this is changing and soon.

good night.

~ by wehavetobehavetobeerrant on July 24, 2009.