the many leaves it takes…
wow. tonight was a throwback on many counts. i went to a dinner party at my dad’s house. his oldest friend of 54 years was there. my aunt and uncle who were incredibly important to me while growing up. etc. etc. a lot of the conversation was catching up on what has happened in the past 5 or 10 or 15 years. the last time d. saw me, i didn’t have a lip piercing. this means that we haven’t seen each other in 16 years. my uncle was describing introducing me and two friends to the internet at age 15. how we looked at a band page. then quickly proceeded to look at body modification. how horrified he and my dad were at what we found. and this was all in relation to talking about my cousins who are now 12 and 14. comparing my life at that age to theirs. which was a bit hard to admit to. mostly losing my virginity at age 14. drugs. sneaking around on my parents. nothing too bad. but it still presents me and my family life for scrutiny, judgment. i was saying that i think my relationship with my bf in high school protected me from a lot. i think i would have gotten into a lot of fucked up shit in high school if it were not for him. i think he saved me from a lot really. our conversation was cut off. which i am glad for… because otherwise it would have traveled to more territory that i couldn’t really talk about it if i had wanted to.
i’m too honest. when asked to be. i am too honest. and not honest enough in places where i could have a lot to say. but of course this goes back to my former post. about taking risks. imposing myself. i’m straddled between what i understand would be too scary for me and what would be too scary for another… if i said everything i needed to say. if i stuck up for myself. if i expressed all my anger and sadness. my rage. my desire and love and and and . . .
ugh. i had too much wine.
on myrtle i walk by a playground. a row of large oak trees looming above the sidewalk. i love walking below them……
the many leaves it takes to just see one sometimes. quivering rusted orange and red. rough-hewn clouds shaking at the dark of sky, the street light burnt out.
before i go to sleep, i must note that i talked to my uncle about farming(!) they know a number of people who either have farms or who want them. i need to set my life into a track towards the things that i desire. i need to leave the desk job behind. i need to have my own hours. i need to carve out space for what i really really want.
i wish i could cuddle tonight. aloneness is wonderful. but ultimately, at the end of the day, i would like to crawl into bed beside… i wish too for a better space to talk. to cross talking about connecting with connecting. to find an ellipsis that trails off into just holding. to the intimacy beyond the wall of words. i wish it weren’t always so hard to connect to this.
good night.
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